Monday, May 19, 2008

Hmmm...Spam

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I have one email address that I use to sign-up on sites that requires one. That email address gets hit by a thousand spam mails everyday. How great would life be if all Spam mails were genuine?

- I would win the lottery everyday!

- I would get paid hundreds of dollars for a single day's work...at home!

- Free vacations to everywhere, including accommodations!

- Free computers, phones, and all kinds of gadgets!

- All the ladies want to meet me for...ah...wholesome and intelligent conversations, I guess.

image

Seems like spammers are now sending their junk from the future, about 30 years from now. No wonder these guys never get caught. They haven't even been born yet. Somebody find their parents and take away their Viagra.

Unfortunately, there are draw backs. If spam was true, I would be overweight and depressed, which would explain the erectile dysfunction. I would be on anti-depressants, not to mention an addiction to a multitude of other prescription drugs. I would also be suffering from Alzheimer's and osteoporosis. I wouldn't be able to go on all those vacations and wouldn't be capable of anything other than intelligent conversations with the opposite sex. I would need all the money from the lottery winnings to pay for the medical bills and drug rehabilitation (or support the drug addi
ction). I would be stuck in the hospital in a dark room basking in the glow of my free computer, growing pale and wasting away. Well, as they say, to everything there is a balance.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mother's Day

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To all mothers, Happy Mother's Day!

First thing the wife and I did when we woke up this morning was call our mothers to greet them. We were going to visit my mom later in the day. We had her on speaker when we called her, here's how part of the call went:

Me: "Do you want us to pick-up anything on the way there?"

Her answer was quick, there was no pause and it seemed she was just waiting for me to ask. She pounced on the question and answered with a snap.

Mom: "Jollibee!"

She sounded a little too excited for junk food so it made me laugh
. After we all recovered from chuckling, we asked her what she wanted us to get her.

Mom: "Fried chicken and that big burger they have."

Me: "Champ Burger?"

Mom: "No, not that one, the other one."

I looked at the missus puzzled.

Missus: "Aloha Burger ma'?"

Mom: "Yup, that's the one."

After chuckling a bit more (she was laughing too), we told her we would be there in an hour or so with the food. We later found that Jollibee no longer sold Aloha Burgers, so we just got her a Champ (aww). We also bought her a cake. When we got there, we had a nice junk food meal together, and then had cake and ice cream. It was a menu for a children's party. Dad was out of town on business so it was just the three of us. He probably would have something to say about the food we were eating. He regularly point's out that it wouldn't hurt the three of us to lose some weight. Of course, he does it out of love, or so he says. We spent the rest of the day talking and watched a couple of videos. The missus and I brought "Hairspray" and "The Bucket List" for us to watch. We all enjoyed both movies. Mom especially related to Hairspray, she used to style her hair the same way as the women in the movie. We really needed no convincing as both the missus and I have seen tons of her photographs during that time. In this post is one of those photographs. This was an old worn-out and damaged photograph which I scanned and did some restoration on, so if you see that she has six fingers on one hand, an extra pair of legs or eyes, that was my fault. Mom's perfectly normal and won't be joining the X-Men any time soon. Well, she does have high blood pressure, but I don't think that will qualify as a special ability.


She was also familiar with some of the dance moves in the film. Mom's a good dancer. If there are any researchers out there on the subject, I am definitive proof that dancing is not hereditary. I'd be happy to take part in any case study, especially if you're working on a cure for awkward dancing. That reminds me, even though I live and grew up in the Philippines, there are lots of foreigners who come to visit. I can offer first hand knowledge to the fact that white men can't dance. Not only can't they dance, they frequently inflict injuries to people unfortunate enough to be next to them on the dance floor. That fact should soon be in the science books. Hmmm, that seems to conflict with my earlier statement that dancing abilities are not hereditary, so much for consistency. Seems like we've digressed here, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Happy Mother's Day!

Monday, May 05, 2008

Drive By Shootings #5: RePhil

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A gas station in the Philippines named "RePhil". Business owners must have put together a project team just to come up with this one. How do you think that meeting went?

Team Leader: We want something catchy, easy to remember. Something customers will relate to.

Team Member: How about "RePhil"? Get it? An abbreviation of "Republic of the Philippines" but also sounds like "Refill", like you do with your gas tank. Witty and patriotic.

Team Leader: Genius! Let's take a vote. Great, it's unanimous. Somebody give that man a cookie! Nice work people. Let's get out of here and pick-up our paychecks. Oh yeah, put down 8 hours for meeting duration.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Missus Chronicles #3: 15 Minutes

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I was listening to Mellow 94.7 and heard about this show they do, Desert Island Disc. Basically the idea is you send in a list of songs you would take with you if you were marooned on a desert island. If I was going to be a jerk about it, I would say - "If I knew I was going to be stuck in a desert island ahead of time, I would bring a satellite phone, a GPS homing device, a raft, etc." But I'm always game for hypothetical situations, so I sent them an email with my songs and a long with a brief message. It got picked and Chloe read it on their show April 15, 2008 with some side commentaries from her and Chris. They sent me back a message before the day so I had a chance to prepare and record the segment. Here's a recording of the show where I cut out all the songs and just left in the stuff where they were reading my email. And who else would I pick-on aside from the missus? No one really. Check it out:


You can also listen or download through this link (5.61 MB).

I was hoping this was going to be my big break. But it has been a week now and no one has stopped me on the street to ask for my autograph and Hugh Hefner hasn't called with an offer to pose for Playboy. I guess that 15 minutes of fame isn't what it used to be.

Monday, March 31, 2008

The Missus Chronicles #2: Mrs. Evil

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I hate wires. So you can just imagine what nightmare computers are, especially if you have a few peripherals. Keyboard, mouse, power cords, external drives, network cables, etc they just drive me crazy when they get tangled. I go on a rant when the missus moves the laptop to another part of the house and the cables get tangled when I use it. Naturally she's annoyed by it. So yesterday when we had to move the laptop, she gave me all the cables and said "Here, you connect them, you're going to kill me again if I mess up.", which is a funny way of saying what she wanted to say. Having the juvenile mind that I do, I turn to her and said "I knew it! I suspected it all this time! You're my evil arch rival disguised as a woman and tricked me into marrying you! Ha! I have uncovered your evil and elaborate scheme for revenge! You shall not succeed! I have defeated you before and I can do it again!"

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Laws of Karaoke Dynamics

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If you're planning to visit the Philippines and you have friends that live locally to take you on a night out, one of the likely places you'll end up in is a KTV Bar (Karaoke). In an effort to save you some grief, my unsuspecting friend, I present to you the basic laws of karaoke dynamics - heed them well.

The Basic Laws of Karaoke Dynamics

The amount of alcohol in one's system is:
- Inversely proportional to willingness to let go of the microphone.
- Directly proportional to the volume of the singing.

Enthusiasm has no direct relationship to talent.

For everyone to enjoy the night never state the obvious. Do not use the word 'bad', 'terrible', 'worst', etc in reference to anyone's singing. Expect the same courtesy.

In case you find yourself wanting to stab your ears with a rusty screwdriver, remember that alcohol also enhances the auditory senses much like it does the visual senses (i.e. Beer Goggles).

*sigh* Other people come up with the Theory of Relativity, Laws of Motions, Thermodynamics, but me I come up with junk like these.

Enjoy your night out, and no, you won't find Chocolate Rain in the song list.



Friday, February 15, 2008

Drive By Shootings #4: Discount Store

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You know what, all I can say is that I appreciate the shop owner's honesty. If you're sharp enough to spot that this is a "discount store" and not a discount store, then you're okay. But if you miss it, well, he'll take your money. At least you had a chance, it's not an outright con.

Those unnecessary quotes, they're a killer.

Update (2/19/2008):

For more cases of
unnecessary quotation marks, check out: The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks (thanks Ge!)