Weeding Out the Stupid

Ever since I first had a sandwich in a restaurant, I always thought it was stupid to serve it with a toothpick stuck in the middle. What if you didn't notice the thing was in there? Somehow, the missus and I got into a discussion about it. I probably brought it up.

Missus: They put toothpicks in there so that when they slice it, it doesn't fall apart.

Me: That's actually smart but why leave it in there when they serve it? There's a toothpick dispenser on the table, I'll pick up a fresh one if I need it.

Missus: Because when they serve the sandwich, it can still fall apart. The toothpick holds it together and it also make it easy to pick it up when you're ready to eat it.

Me: I'd rather risk my sandwich falling apart than getting stabbed in the roof of my mouth with a toothpick.

The missus rolls her eyes exasperated.

Missus: Now you’re just being argumentative.

Me: No, I’m not.

Yes, I am.

Missus: It's really simple – take out the toothpick before biting into your sandwhich.

I was a blank on a good comeback. So I just auto-fired...

Me: You take it out!

The missus becomes silent and gives me the dreaded look. To distract her from eating me alive, I talk.

Me: What if people don't see it? What then? Is this some kind of conspiracy to weed off the stupid? "Let's put toothpicks in sandwiches to kill off people stupid enough to bite into one without checking for sharp objects." Conclusion: The stupid die off, leaving the smart people to breed and multiply.

Missus: Exactly. So be careful when eating those sandwiches.

Success! I live another day.

Me: You’re not going to start putting toothpicks in your sandwiches, are you?

Missus: Well, weeding out the stupid sounds good to me. I should do my part.

Me: Hahaha (*nervous laugh*), stupid people beware.

Missus: Just keep checking those sandwiches and you’ll be all right.

Okay, okay, I might have enhanced the original discussion a bit. But it remains faithful to the essence of the story - I never win an argument with the missus.